Seeing Through The Fog


There comes a time when everyone on this planet has to step back and view the world as they know it through critical eyes. The question ‘why’ must be asked, time and time again. For some of us, this is far from easy. I fall into that category. I have already stepped back and observed the world with that hard, narrow ‘why?’ that bites at the edges of our minds. I have found my answers.

And now, once more, I am finding myself at that bridge.

This time, it doesn’t frighten me. Not like it had the first time around.

For those who know me from my writings, for those who know a few of my truths from the small posts I’ve dropped, you all know one thing about me: the truth of who I was ten years ago is a vastly different person compared to who I am today. The two are different in so many ways. The fourteen-year-old girl I once was is essentially dead, a version of me that sank under the waves of self-doubt, of anger and resentment, and an ocean of clear, beautiful depression.

An oxymoron, no?

Depression isn’t clear or beautiful, some of you might say. I’d beg to differ, from my own experiences. On the inside, I knew who I wanted to be. I knew where I wanted to go. This was all felt on an internal level, in the darkest parts of my mind. Both seemed so odd to me, as a child. These desires I had, they weren’t the ones other children were saying. I was the odd one, once again. I was the black sheep drifting in an ocean of white.

The most obvious is what I’m doing right now – I wanted to be a writer.

This passion has been one that I’ve always carried with me. Again, if you know me, this is painfully obvious. If I didn’t want to write, I wouldn’t have a blog. I’ve carried these stories and worlds inside my head, places and people which came to me from some place I know nothing of. They demand my attention, telling me to pick up a pen (and now to place my fingers on my keyboard) and to write until the world around me vanishes.

In these moments, everything else doesn’t matter. The only important thing is the world which exists in my mind, so crisp and sharp. When I close my eyes and let myself relax, I can a cool wind on my skin and smell the early spring wind. These worlds of mine, they are the only thing I want to work on from an artistic point-of-view.

This leads me to my second desire.

I wanted a spiritual connection to the world around me.

Again, anyone who knows me knows I’m a pagan. I’m slowly learning about things that have always been an interest of mine. I’m an artistic, spiritual person. The faith I carry in me, it isn’t one that is easily put in words. It isn’t something that comes from my mind to my lips with ease. Speaking isn’t all that easy for me, though I can put my thoughts to a page with such clarity that it takes me by surprise even now.

When I was fourteen, these two things existed at my core. Then, in that moment, I came across a phrase, one which rings true even now. I have to remind myself of this more than I would like to. This one saying (among the three I have gathered for today) is one I think everyone would benefit from.

Stand Up For What You Believe In
Even If It Means You Will Stand Alone


People are sheep.

As a species, humans flock together. What we know and believe is created by man, it is forged by man, and reality as we know it is defined by man. When I say ‘man,’ I do not mean men in general. I mean mankind, as a species. The whole determines who is right and what is not right. Society decides everything, from laws to morals.

This, I believe, is a universal truth.

So standing for what we believe in, when it goes against the norm, isn’t easy. It’s terribly frightening, really. As a writer, I’ve had people tell me there’s no “point” in it. What use is there for me to write anything? I was told I couldn’t get anywhere as a writer.

End Of Story

For a while, I believed them. Then I decided to give them the big ‘F-U’ and go on my life as I desired. Then I stepped away from the common, “right” faith onto a new path that was one that had called to me for years. The storm that came with that decision is one that I’m still fighting. This is a war I’ve been waging by myself, for the most part.

I have support, now.

Friends who understand. Family who loves me.

Even if those two don’t condemn what I’m doing, they love me anyway.

I’ve joined an organization like myself, one that is filled with thousands of people who are like me. I have found an online, spiritual family I craved for years. People who knew where I was coming from, people who knew my struggles – I found them and now I will stand by them and our beliefs regardless of the black, angry words coming at us.

This brings me to the next quote:

Those Who Don’t Believe In Magic,
Never Will They Find The Joy That Is Creation. 


This is geared towards the writer in me.

Magic, Joy, Creation – these three things build upon one another, stacking skyward with no end in sight. Magic forges creation which, in turn, creates joy. Joy empowers magic which allows creation to arise. Creation brings joy which, in its own way, is magic. All of these things, they are connected. This is why the three are so very important.

Magic is something that is arcane and not understood. People like to say it is something that is beyond understanding, that it’s some kind of supernatural power that only exists in movies and books and comics. This belief limits what we are able to do.

So what is magic, some might ask me?

The answer is simple.

Magic is the art of making something happen. It is the power which enables us to get through the day, the force which defies all reason, the energy which sparks the flare of inspiration and creativity. It is the unending awe of the divine and the whisper that comes from prayer. Magic is the life-force, the blood, of all living things. It is, and always will be, a process.

There is nothing arcane or unknown, when it comes to the miracles we do.

When we grow plants from seeds, that is magic.

When we write, that is magic.

When we sing and bring others to tears, that is magic.

Magic, I believe, is in everything we do. Perhaps this is an odd way to look at it, but this is how I see it. To a child, the wonders of the world, the bright colors and the soft song of the birds, is magic. So why would I see it differently? Why would I want to?

This desire to see the world in a way that is mystical and beautiful came from living in a world that was dull and still. A decade ago, the world around me was like a painting I viewed without the aide of my glasses. It was blurry, it was dull and it held little interest for me. Off-and-on, I lost my interest in my writing. I no longer wanted to do anything except sit, silent, and listen to music as I sank into the darkness of my thoughts.

Then I woke up. Forced myself awake, really.

That dark world from ten years ago still calls to me, beckoning to me. When I find myself push to do something I don’t want to do, or when I feel Awen is being stifled with, I start to have a lack of interest. Creativity becomes something I detest, in myself and in others.

I’ll seek other conversations. I’ll do whatever I have to if it means I don’t have to speak about the spark of inspiration and all it gave birth to. It comes back, though. Sometimes I have to delve deep into dangerous waters, blind but determined. I have to find that small flame and haul it to the surface, kicking and screaming the entire way to the shore. Then there is a truce, one that lasts until my Awen feels threatened once more.

It is, without doubt, a cycle. There is an ending to it, too.

Yet it is an ending I cannot take, not in good mind or conscious.

So I make new projects. For some, this might seem an odd way to go about things. I have so much I’m doing, already. Outside of college and work, I have all these creative, artistic journeys I’m slowly walking. These are new outlets for creativity, something which will enable me to keep my sanity despite everything else that’s going on.

I’m working on the first video for my vlog. Two videos, actually.

One is a Voice-Over and the other is the start of a process that might drive me into the arms of insanity. I’ve decided to do Nanowrimo for this month and next, using my story ‘Fading Light’ (the sci-fi story of mine that has two chapters, so far). I intend to vlog while I do this, having updates on the process while also having voice-overs and some books reviews since I read like a damned madwoman. There’ll be plenty for me to work with.

I’m rereading ‘The Complete Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue’, which is a story I had my hands on years ago. So far, I’m not sure what I think about it. A little over a decade has passed since I last look into its pages (this is a book I checked out from the library) and, so far, I’m enjoying the interesting, unique way this book is laid out.

I just finished reading ‘Ender’s Game’ and am hyped about reading ‘Ender’s Shadow.’ I also checked out ‘Life in Anglo-Saxon Times: Living in the Past,’ which is a movie about the lives of Anglo-Saxons in the, well, you know, the past. I’m also reading books on the chakras and how they correspond to the body and its functions. Frankly…

I’m doing a lot, right about now. And I’m more than happy for it.

This leads me to my last point:

Believe In Yourself,
For It Is There, Within Yourself,
That Everything You Desire Is Made Possible.

– Anonymous
AKA: The Voice In My Head



6 Comments Add yours

  1. Shan Bae says:

    Wow this is a lot to feel. Just to think that this feeling as so many words behind it. I can empathize a great deal with what you wrote. I myself spent a decade discovering things about myself. I had no clue that I was depressed and it is all spilling over now. It is really good to have a support system and a better understanding with self. I think your positive mental events will carry you far. As artist we are gifted with this dark place in a way to rebirth light from that very ugly void. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 93bnmill says:

      I’m more than happy to share, Miss Bae.

      There is a lot in this post, most of being things I’ve bottled up over the years. I think most people who are artistically inclined suffer from some form of depression. We all have issues we must deal with in the only way we know how – the art of our trade.

      Sometimes depression can be hard to detect but it can be felt. In a lot of cases (such as us), we don’t know we’re suffering from it until it breaks through the dam. Support helps in ways I cannot describe and a strong mind makes it so much easier to get through.

      We are gifted with a dark place that would be something of a nightmare to others. I agree with that wholeheartedly. This darkness, it is the birthplace of our work and our dreams.

      Through the struggle of creation, we rise.

      I’m happy you liked what I wrote, Miss Bae. I write here to share what’s in my head (even if the idea doesn’t please me much), and I’m glad you connected to it.

      And thank you for reading, always.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Shan Bae says:

        You have described it in a perfect sense. We are blessed and gifted with things that others may find themselves overwhelmed with but we know how to mold it.

        You write with ease and it is a comfort to read. Thanks for sharing and you’re welcome to have my time.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Chronicallyundiagnosed says:

    I miss my younger self. You remind me of her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 93bnmill says:

      I remind you of your younger self, eh? I’ll take that as a comment of honor. I’m glad you liked the post, CU.


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