General Chaos


Life is a messy affair. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, dating, married, divorced, or in some odd relationship that doesn’t have a title because it’s that messed up. Life is messy, it has its ups and its downs, and nothing goes the way anyone wants it to all the time. Nobody is that perfect.

If they said otherwise, they’re lying.

For me, I’m going through a transition in my life. Last year, I was in what I call the ‘Take Everything For Granted’ stage, a time in our lives when the true hardships of “adulting” isn’t fully comprehended. Once October hit, my life was knocked a bit off balance, but it remained on its axis. Everything kept moving roughly the same way it had been before hand.

Yeah, my mama was in the hospital for, like, a month. She had cancer, had surgery, got a bit Cu-Cu in the ICU, but things were about the same at home (aside from the fact I was alone and not sure what to do with myself). Then mama came home and went back to the hospital. She was out long enough for Thanksgiving, then she was back with a gaping hole in her stomach that had been stitches before they exploded. Things were still, roughly, the same for me.

I was taking care of mama, yes. I barely slept, in the beginning. True. But the days were roughly the same for me despite the fact I felt like I was unraveling at the seems. Now, in the middle of March, three weeks from my 26th birthday, all the things that should have happened the moment mama got sick and couldn’t work anymore has finally clicked.

Ladies and gents, I’m a year (or more) late.

My job of 18hrs a week isn’t going to cover jack-squat. Even with mama’s SSI, we struggle to get by. Going to college makes this a lot harder due to the fact $100 a month goes straight to gas to get me to, and from, school every day during the week. That’s, like, a quarter (1/4) of my check each month. Now I’m sitting here, hours after a job interview, asking myself a question I should have asked myself a year ago.

“What the hell am I doing?”

A year and a half later, the question finally arrives. A year and a half later, I have no answer.

Not a good one, anyone. I wasn’t being lazy, before anyone starts pointing fingers. Things just didn’t click because I didn’t actually notice a lot of what was going on. I won’t notice a lot of things, more often than not. Not because I’m not observant, but because of the fact that, if it doesn’t impact my life, in that moment, it might as well not exist. Sort of mean, to put it like that, but that’s how I am. I won’t make excuses for that. I know my weaknesses and I’m starting to learn how to address, and work with, them.

So, it’s mid-March, and I had a job interview. At the gym. For a position as a receptionist-will-be-promoted-to-Supervisor-if-I-get-hired. I got through today. The lady who did the interview is keen on getting me in my second interview that will also check my ability to use computers and software associated with them (because, being promoted to a Supervisor means being able to learn their tricky/difficult training boot-camp that is their main software, apparently). If I pass the next interview (sometime next week), I’ll be hired on for training as a Front Desk Attendant.

Before this happened, I started going to the gym because I’m going to school to be a Massage Therapist and being overweight and unfit is a coupon for ‘Shortest Job Ever.’ Also a Front Seat Ticket to ‘Hospital of Arm, Wrist, and Hand Injuries’, which, frankly, isn’t where I want to go. I got a membership, today was my third day going, and I’ve left my name at the front desk every time to check if they may have an opening. Got called yesterday, got interviewed today.

That’s face-paced, for me.

But I need a second job cause I only have one source of income at this moment in time. Yes, I’m working on writing a short-story (that I plan to sell as an eBook for kindle), but that’s later and this is now and I’m not getting paid to write a blog. This is more of a personal, yet public, diary that everyone’s dipping their fingers in. So far, someone has liked every post I’ve written.

Which is, truly, a rather awesome thing.

I got nineteen likes on a few of my posts this past month. That’s a fairly good number, I think, but that’s not three-hundred-something others who have been writing just as long as I have (or less). I’ve seen a few new bloggers who already have several hundred followers, and they’ve only being doing this for a few months. How the bloody hell does that work?

I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking!

SOS, somebody save me! It’s almost 10PM, my clients are gone for the weekend, and I need to clean up the rest of my room, but I’m just staring at the mess with RBF. If you don’t know what RBF is, look it up. Or maybe I’ll drop it at the end of this post. I haven’t decided yet.

Doctor’s say we need to express ourselves. We need to get our minds uncluttered, cleared out, and refreshed. If our brains and minds had a fan built in, like the ones found in attics, what would that be called? Brain Fan? Upper Brain Fan? Mental Airlock? I like the last one. Airlock, like in space, but only in your mind. Hit the button and space all the icky stuff into the void.

Bye, see you later! Never come back!

I’m borderline slaphappy. I’m tired, but I forgot to take my Sleeping Pills at 7PM. But, if I get this New Job to go with Current Job, I’ll have to change the time I take them. If I get the job, I’ll be working 3-9PM, which means I’ll get home around 9:45PM. Which means I’ll take my meds now, cause it’s 9:45PM this very moment, take a shower, and, by the time I’m back in my room, I’ll be tired and ready for bed.

One moment, please —– 9:46PM, medicine has been taken. Excuse me for a bit.

Time – 10:20PM

There’s so much going on, these days (just got back to my computer after forty-five minutes). I don’t know what I’m doing, most of the time. Well, I know what I’m doing but I don’t know what I’m doing. That…doesn’t make sense. I bounce between a lot of different ideas and thoughts and activities on any given day, my interest snagged by bright and shiny objects. I’m like a magpie, in that regard. I’m drawn to things that catch my eye. Can’t be helped.

The point is, I’m all over the place. I’m not good at journaling by hand, but I can get so much more out by keyboard than I can pen. I also may be getting a consultation for a tattoo sometime next week, which is awesome. I gotta figure out how much it’ll be, and how to work it out, but I think it’ll be a good change (I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and I plan on starting with a small one).

As is, I’m gonna put a stop to this here. There’s a lot of information packed into this entry already, and I don’t think my brain is okay with me dragging more out of it. I’m starting to get a headache and I’m tired, both which are a sign that I need to stop and rest. Which means this is a perfect time to go to bed (hard to keep my eyes open, anyway).

Goodnight, everyone, and I’ll see you soon!


2 Comments Add yours

    1. Thanks, Ogazie! Reblogs are always nice. Glad you liked the post enough to share it.


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